Do you ever feel like a misfit?
Everything inside you is dark and twisted,
Oh, but it’s okay to be different.
These lyrics by Ava Max were stuck in my mind when I heard this song because it pretty much defines my life. From childhood, I used to feel I was very different from the rest of the people. I am generally more sensitive than ordinary people; as I sense people’s emotions, I can empathize with them, but I eventually find myself being manipulated or misunderstood. My thoughts and way of perceiving the world have always been different, which made me feel misfit almost everywhere. Many times, I have been misunderstood only because my ideas did not match the norms or the majority. I develop a sense that I do not belong in this world. Being different was one of the main reasons I got aloof and alienated, which further led me to develop depression.
The other major reason for developing depression was the struggles we faced after my father lost his job. The early days of my childhood were delightful, as we enjoyed the privileges of life when my father had a stable job at one of the giant pharmaceutical companies. But we faced a severe financial crisis when my father lost his job. I experienced hardships and witnessed what it takes to survive. I used to feel that life would never change, and that I am trapped in these miseries for the rest of my life. I still remember that those were the days when life seemed nothing but a dark dungeon. The feeling of being trapped in that dungeon with no way out was so suffocating and unbearable. I used to spend hours crying and praying, never to see another day. These recurrent thoughts turned into severe depression, and suicidal thoughts became prevalent.
One day I was so exhausted from my recurrent, persistent depressive thoughts that I decided to end my life immediately. I wanted to end my daily sufferings that seemed to be never-ending. The final thought of ending my life gave me peace, as it seemed to liberate me from my mental prison of suffering. I started looking for the least painful ways to commit suicide. During the process of finding the least painful ways or tools for suicide, I realized that I am only trying to find ways to ease my pains and miseries. I did not want to end my life I just wanted to end those sufferings.
While having this conversation in my head going on, I saw a trail of ants. Each one was carrying a heavy load on their back, walking in a straight line. Even when I blocked their way, none was stopped. Instead, they changed their path. Looking at the struggles of these ants taught me that when we face an obstacle, we are not supposed to give up. We just need to change the route. It may take longer to reach our goals, but eventually, it will lead to the desired destination. It was such a profound revelation to me. At that moment, I realized that if I just changed my thinking and looked for better ways to survive, I may turn my life into a better one. The moment I changed my thinking, those struggles became meaningful. I discovered that life is all about giving meaning to the struggles.
When you find out the reason for every struggle and adversity, you achieve the power to convert them into your strengths.
Many successful people have gone through such adversities in life, but when they realize their purpose, they can change them from defeats to victories in life. That day I decided to share my knowledge and help people who are having similar thoughts and struggling with similar conditions. The day when I found the true meaning of life brings great clarity to one’s ultimate purpose.
Fast forward twenty years, I survived those challenging times, and I am able to live my life on my terms because I changed my thinking from being the victim of circumstances to be in power to choose life over death and redundancy. I believe we are the creator of our lives; it is just that we need to realize the fact that we are in power to choose our destiny. Situations and circumstances will never be as per your desire, but how you steer your life through these circumstances depends on your attitude and thought patterns. To learn how to take charge of your life, read my book, The Algorithm of Life.
The day when I found the true meaning of life is worth reading.
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